VIDEO
I saw this hit on Silfverberg (or however you spell it) on hockey Twitter the night it happened, way before the NHL handed down a suspension, and my first thought was, Torres is done. If you keep hitting people late and in the face, you're not going to last long in the new kid-gloves NHL, and Raffi Torres is the poster boy for illegal checks to the head.
via ESPN -- Sharks forward Raffi Torres has received the longest suspension in NHL history for a hit on another player when the league banned him Monday for the first 41 games of the season for an illegal check to the head of Anaheim's Jakob Silfverberg.
Torres' latest infraction resulted from a hit in a preseason game Saturday. He was ejected with 7:15 left in the first period. Silfverberg did not return to the game either.
The NHL Department of Player Safety ruled that the hit was illegal because Silfverberg's head was the main point of contact. It was also deemed a late hit and would have been considered interference. Torres waived the right to an in-person hearing and has until Wednesday to decide if he wants to appeal the suspension.
This marks the fifth and most significant suspension for Torres in his career.
FORTY ONE GAMES??? Are you serious?? I thought I was reading an Onion article when I heard that number. It's like saying he was suspended for "a bazillion games," because nobody gets suspended for forty one games, right? I told my mom about this and she actually said "Wow, how many seasons is that?"
We're only talking half a season, but it is still a hilarious number. I don't know if it was all the coffee I drank that day or what, but when I was watching the Department of Player Safety's video about their decision, I was actually crying laughing from the 1:40 mark on (I recommend skipping to that part), just thinking about how ridiculous it is that Torres is still allowed to play in the league. He is definitely up there with Matt Cooke, Sean Avery and Sidney Crosby for "most universally hated player" in recent memory.
Regardless, I can't wait to see what the punishment is when Torres comes back and inevitably gets suspended for the 6th time. A whole year, perhaps? Shoot for the stars Raffi.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Sunday, October 4, 2015
The 2003 NHL Entry Draft was the Greatest of All Time
Every draft year has the clear-cut set of star players at the top, whether that includes talented scorers, dynamite defensemen or franchise goalies. But no draft year had as much pure star power as 2003. Here is a pick-by-pick commentary of that draft, considered to be one of the best of all time.
1. Marc-AndreFlukey Fleury (PIT) - The Penguins acquired the #1 overall pick from Florida for the #3 pick (plus some other stuff that didn't turn out to matter much). Fleury would man the net for the Penguin's 2009 Stanley Cup team. Taking Fluery at #1, Malkin #2 in 2004 and Sidney Crosby #1 in 2005, Pittsburgh is the perfect example of a team that rose from the ashes via the draft (Edmonton probably should have taken notes). Great regular season goalie, playoffs not so much.
2. Eric Staal (CAR) - Top-ranked North American skater going into the draft, projected as a can't miss star in the league. He definitely was, for about 5 seasons. Since like 2011 his numbers have been dropping and the Hurricane's captain is now the subject of trade and contract dispute rumors. (If he really asked for $9-million a year, as a more recent article suggests, he's either delusional or is trying to price himself out of Carolina. Either way, not a good look for an NHL captain.)
3. Nathan Horton (FLA) - Productive for Florida for a few years and pretty good in Boston too, winning the Cup in 2011 (but getting wrecked in the process). Too bad he keeps getting concussed (not to mention his degenerative back condition) or else his career wouldn't be basically over right now. Either way, if we re-drafted this draft class, Horton would project as a bottom first round pick.
4. Nikolai Zherdev (CBJ) - You would think with all the high picks that Columbus has been saddled with over the years, they would have managed to put together a great, talented young team. You would be wrong. Zherdev is just one of a long line of bad decisions that the Blue Jackets have made over the years. Times are changing and Columbus is finally building a contender, but Zherdev hasn't played in the NHL since 2010.
5. Thomas Vanek (BUF) - He's back in Minnesota (where he played his college hockey), and the hands and shot that made him a star for years in Buffalo are pretty much gone, but Vanek was an all-star for a reason. He's 31 going on 40 and barring a resurgence, his contract may become an issue for the Wild in the next couple years. Still the best Austrian player of all time (although that's not saying much).
6. Milan Michalek (SJ) - Got traded for Dany Heatley at some point. Otherwise who cares.
7. Ryan Suter (NSH) - The first half of an all-world defensive tandem, Suter and partner Shea Weber both went in this draft to Nashville. He abandoned the team that made him into a star in the summer of 2012 (I'm not bitter) but he has become the guy in Minnesota, playing the most minutes per game in the entire league.
8. Braydon Coburn (ATL) - Only worth mentioning because RIP Atlanta Thrashers. (He's not even with the organization anymore).
9. Dion Phaneuf (CGY) - Phaneuf might be my favorite player to rag on. Based on his play, the only reason I can think to keep him around Toronto as the captain is, he must give dynamite pre-game speeches. Plus I'm the proud owner of a Phaneuf jersey because of my experience in Toronto.
10. Andre Kostitsyn (MTL) - He and his brother Sergei had buckets of talent that never seemed to translate to the NHL, The Belarusians eventually went back to Europe. So who cares.
11. Jeff Carter (PHI) - He and Mike Richards were picked in the same round of the same draft by the same team, developed together, got traded to two different teams on the same day, then reunited and won two Cups in LA. The only difference is Carter is still the second line center for the Kings and Mike Richards is running into legal trouble with the mounties, trouble which prompted the Kings to terminate his contract (see my previous post).
12. Hugh Jessimen (NYR) - Far and away the worst pick of the first round, mostly because I have no idea who this guy is. Like, I could definitely give you a rundown of the career of anyone in the first round except this guy and Shawn Belle (#30 to St. Louis). I imagine him sitting at a bar somewhere in Brooklyn watching the Rangers and drunkenly telling anyone that sits next to him that the Rangers drafted him 12th overall once. Yeah, ok dude.
13. Dustin Brown (LA) - Current Kings captain has drank from two Stanley Cups, but can't figure out what end of a water bottle to drink out of.
14. Brent Seabrook (CHI) - The second best defenseman in Chicago just got paid, not to mention his three Stanley Cups and an Olympic Gold Medal in 2010. To quote Happy Gilmore, "Is that good?"
15. Robert Nilsson (NYI) - Who cares
16. Steve Bernier (SJ) - He's playing for his 6th different team this season. Pretty sure this guy hasn't unpacked his suitcase in 12 years.
17. Zach Parise (NJ) - Captained the Devils to the finals in 2012, then bolted for Minnesota with buddy Ryan Suter that summer. He's the hardest working superstar in the league, and I really wish I could find something bad to say about him.
18. Eric Fehr (WSH) - You know what they say about hindsight, but imagine (all other things the same) if the Capitals picked the next guy instead of Fehr? They might have three Cups by now.
19. Ryan Getzlaf (ANA) - The Ducks captain has a Stanley Cup, multiple all-star appearances and two Olympic golds. He also has the worst hair in hockey, but hey, whatever works. He is one half of one of the best dynamic duos in hockey, along with the #28 pick in this draft, Corey Perry.
20. Brent Burns (MIN) - If Chewbacca could skate, played either defense or forward, and had two all-star appearances, this would be him.
21. Mark Stuart (BOS) - Who cares
22. Marc-Antoine Pouliot (EDM) - Who cares
23. Ryan Kesler (ANA) - People really hate Ryan Kesler. He's one of those guys who you want on your team but hate to play against because he can score, he's really good in his own zone, and he just pisses people off.
24. Mike Richards (PHI) - See #11.
25-27. Anthony Stewart (FLA), and Brian Boyle and Jeff Tambellini (both LA) never made a huge impact anywhere, although Boyle is definitely the 7-foot-tall monster you want on your fourth line come playoff time. He's been to back-to-back finals with the Rangers and Lightning, coming up short both times.
28. Corey Perry (ANA) - Two Olympic golds, a Stanley Cup, a Maurice "Rocket" Richard trophy as the leagues top goal scorer and a Hart trophy as league MVP, Corey Perry is my choice for the #1 pick if we re-drafted this draft class. He and Getzlaf (#19 in 2003) are almost unstoppable together, Anaheim has just never found the perfect third wheel to compliment them on the top line.
29. Patrick Eaves (OTT) - Bounces around, contributes a little everywhere. Quintessential boring fourth liner, probably a great locker room guy.
30. Shawn Belle (STL) - Seriously, who is this?
Other notable picks from this draft:
33. Loui Eriksson (DAL) - A player I love to get for my second line when I play GM mode on NHL. Nothing too flashy, but consistently scores goals. All-star in 2011.
45. Patrice Bergeron (BOS) - 2 gold medals, a Stanley Cup, yada yada yada. He's also got 3 Selke trophies as the best defensive forward in the NHL, plus a Clancy award for his humanitarian work on top of however many all-star appearances. I'd take him top 3 in this draft if we re-drafted for sure.
49. Shea Weber (NSH) - The best defenseman in this draft class. It is absolutely criminal that the Predator's captain hasn't won a Norris trophy as the NHL's best defenseman. Maybe 2015-16 is the year.
52. Corey Crawford (CHI) - He's got two Cups in Chicago. People still question whether he's elite, à la Joe Flacco in the NFL, but he's got more Cups than Pekka Rinne, Henrik Lundqvist, Carey Price, Roberto Luongo and Marc-Andre Fleury COMBINED. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't care. Also, this gem from the 2013 championship rally, with an intro from playoff MVP Patrick Kane. What a beauty.
62. David Backes (STL) - Hard-nosed American captain of the Blues will forever have a spot in my heart for his patriotism leading up to the 2010 Olympics.
205. Joe Pavelski (SJ) - If not for Brian Elliott, he'd be the steal of the draft. Another great American center, he's one of the best fantasy players in the league, stats-wise. Should have went in the first round but dropped to the 7th.
245. Dustin Byfuglien (CHI) - Playoff hero for Chicago in their 2010 Cup run, got traded for his efforts because of salary cap constraints. Former all-star with Winnipeg, but consistently eats too many cheeseburgers in the offseason.
291. Brian Elliott (OTT) - One of my favorite feel-good stories in the NHL right now. He went second-to-last in this draft and is now the starting goalie in St. Louis (until Jake Allen develops and takes over). Took a selfie in the shootout challenge this past All-Star Weekend.
So there you have it. 8 current or former captains, I don't know how many all-star appearances, around 20 Stanley Cups, and a boatload of individual awards. Best draft of all time.
1. Marc-Andre
2. Eric Staal (CAR) - Top-ranked North American skater going into the draft, projected as a can't miss star in the league. He definitely was, for about 5 seasons. Since like 2011 his numbers have been dropping and the Hurricane's captain is now the subject of trade and contract dispute rumors. (If he really asked for $9-million a year, as a more recent article suggests, he's either delusional or is trying to price himself out of Carolina. Either way, not a good look for an NHL captain.)
3. Nathan Horton (FLA) - Productive for Florida for a few years and pretty good in Boston too, winning the Cup in 2011 (but getting wrecked in the process). Too bad he keeps getting concussed (not to mention his degenerative back condition) or else his career wouldn't be basically over right now. Either way, if we re-drafted this draft class, Horton would project as a bottom first round pick.
4. Nikolai Zherdev (CBJ) - You would think with all the high picks that Columbus has been saddled with over the years, they would have managed to put together a great, talented young team. You would be wrong. Zherdev is just one of a long line of bad decisions that the Blue Jackets have made over the years. Times are changing and Columbus is finally building a contender, but Zherdev hasn't played in the NHL since 2010.
5. Thomas Vanek (BUF) - He's back in Minnesota (where he played his college hockey), and the hands and shot that made him a star for years in Buffalo are pretty much gone, but Vanek was an all-star for a reason. He's 31 going on 40 and barring a resurgence, his contract may become an issue for the Wild in the next couple years. Still the best Austrian player of all time (although that's not saying much).
6. Milan Michalek (SJ) - Got traded for Dany Heatley at some point. Otherwise who cares.
7. Ryan Suter (NSH) - The first half of an all-world defensive tandem, Suter and partner Shea Weber both went in this draft to Nashville. He abandoned the team that made him into a star in the summer of 2012 (I'm not bitter) but he has become the guy in Minnesota, playing the most minutes per game in the entire league.
8. Braydon Coburn (ATL) - Only worth mentioning because RIP Atlanta Thrashers. (He's not even with the organization anymore).
9. Dion Phaneuf (CGY) - Phaneuf might be my favorite player to rag on. Based on his play, the only reason I can think to keep him around Toronto as the captain is, he must give dynamite pre-game speeches. Plus I'm the proud owner of a Phaneuf jersey because of my experience in Toronto.
10. Andre Kostitsyn (MTL) - He and his brother Sergei had buckets of talent that never seemed to translate to the NHL, The Belarusians eventually went back to Europe. So who cares.
11. Jeff Carter (PHI) - He and Mike Richards were picked in the same round of the same draft by the same team, developed together, got traded to two different teams on the same day, then reunited and won two Cups in LA. The only difference is Carter is still the second line center for the Kings and Mike Richards is running into legal trouble with the mounties, trouble which prompted the Kings to terminate his contract (see my previous post).
12. Hugh Jessimen (NYR) - Far and away the worst pick of the first round, mostly because I have no idea who this guy is. Like, I could definitely give you a rundown of the career of anyone in the first round except this guy and Shawn Belle (#30 to St. Louis). I imagine him sitting at a bar somewhere in Brooklyn watching the Rangers and drunkenly telling anyone that sits next to him that the Rangers drafted him 12th overall once. Yeah, ok dude.
13. Dustin Brown (LA) - Current Kings captain has drank from two Stanley Cups, but can't figure out what end of a water bottle to drink out of.
14. Brent Seabrook (CHI) - The second best defenseman in Chicago just got paid, not to mention his three Stanley Cups and an Olympic Gold Medal in 2010. To quote Happy Gilmore, "Is that good?"
15. Robert Nilsson (NYI) - Who cares
16. Steve Bernier (SJ) - He's playing for his 6th different team this season. Pretty sure this guy hasn't unpacked his suitcase in 12 years.
17. Zach Parise (NJ) - Captained the Devils to the finals in 2012, then bolted for Minnesota with buddy Ryan Suter that summer. He's the hardest working superstar in the league, and I really wish I could find something bad to say about him.
18. Eric Fehr (WSH) - You know what they say about hindsight, but imagine (all other things the same) if the Capitals picked the next guy instead of Fehr? They might have three Cups by now.
19. Ryan Getzlaf (ANA) - The Ducks captain has a Stanley Cup, multiple all-star appearances and two Olympic golds. He also has the worst hair in hockey, but hey, whatever works. He is one half of one of the best dynamic duos in hockey, along with the #28 pick in this draft, Corey Perry.
20. Brent Burns (MIN) - If Chewbacca could skate, played either defense or forward, and had two all-star appearances, this would be him.
21. Mark Stuart (BOS) - Who cares
22. Marc-Antoine Pouliot (EDM) - Who cares
23. Ryan Kesler (ANA) - People really hate Ryan Kesler. He's one of those guys who you want on your team but hate to play against because he can score, he's really good in his own zone, and he just pisses people off.
24. Mike Richards (PHI) - See #11.
25-27. Anthony Stewart (FLA), and Brian Boyle and Jeff Tambellini (both LA) never made a huge impact anywhere, although Boyle is definitely the 7-foot-tall monster you want on your fourth line come playoff time. He's been to back-to-back finals with the Rangers and Lightning, coming up short both times.
28. Corey Perry (ANA) - Two Olympic golds, a Stanley Cup, a Maurice "Rocket" Richard trophy as the leagues top goal scorer and a Hart trophy as league MVP, Corey Perry is my choice for the #1 pick if we re-drafted this draft class. He and Getzlaf (#19 in 2003) are almost unstoppable together, Anaheim has just never found the perfect third wheel to compliment them on the top line.
29. Patrick Eaves (OTT) - Bounces around, contributes a little everywhere. Quintessential boring fourth liner, probably a great locker room guy.
30. Shawn Belle (STL) - Seriously, who is this?
Other notable picks from this draft:
33. Loui Eriksson (DAL) - A player I love to get for my second line when I play GM mode on NHL. Nothing too flashy, but consistently scores goals. All-star in 2011.
45. Patrice Bergeron (BOS) - 2 gold medals, a Stanley Cup, yada yada yada. He's also got 3 Selke trophies as the best defensive forward in the NHL, plus a Clancy award for his humanitarian work on top of however many all-star appearances. I'd take him top 3 in this draft if we re-drafted for sure.
49. Shea Weber (NSH) - The best defenseman in this draft class. It is absolutely criminal that the Predator's captain hasn't won a Norris trophy as the NHL's best defenseman. Maybe 2015-16 is the year.
52. Corey Crawford (CHI) - He's got two Cups in Chicago. People still question whether he's elite, à la Joe Flacco in the NFL, but he's got more Cups than Pekka Rinne, Henrik Lundqvist, Carey Price, Roberto Luongo and Marc-Andre Fleury COMBINED. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't care. Also, this gem from the 2013 championship rally, with an intro from playoff MVP Patrick Kane. What a beauty.
62. David Backes (STL) - Hard-nosed American captain of the Blues will forever have a spot in my heart for his patriotism leading up to the 2010 Olympics.
205. Joe Pavelski (SJ) - If not for Brian Elliott, he'd be the steal of the draft. Another great American center, he's one of the best fantasy players in the league, stats-wise. Should have went in the first round but dropped to the 7th.
245. Dustin Byfuglien (CHI) - Playoff hero for Chicago in their 2010 Cup run, got traded for his efforts because of salary cap constraints. Former all-star with Winnipeg, but consistently eats too many cheeseburgers in the offseason.
291. Brian Elliott (OTT) - One of my favorite feel-good stories in the NHL right now. He went second-to-last in this draft and is now the starting goalie in St. Louis (until Jake Allen develops and takes over). Took a selfie in the shootout challenge this past All-Star Weekend.
So there you have it. 8 current or former captains, I don't know how many all-star appearances, around 20 Stanley Cups, and a boatload of individual awards. Best draft of all time.
Friday, October 2, 2015
3v3 OT is the Best Thing Ever
I'll admit, I was not sold when I heard that this rule change had been implemented. I have no idea why, but I thought the idea of three guys aside would be stupid. But seeing it in the preseason has completely turned me around. Breakaways both ways, constant two-on-ones. It's the most exciting type of hockey.
Shootouts were cool for like two years, then they got boring and completely played out.
Round 1: Save/Save
Round 2: Save/Save
Round 3: Goal/Save
Game Over.
Absolute snoozefest. But anyone who has played organized hockey knows that 3v3 one-zone games and battle drills were probably the most fun part of practice, and now that's being translated to the big leagues. Coaches will be playing their best, fastest players, and defense is going to go more or less out the window.
Just imagining the matchup possibilities for each team makes a hockey fan salivate. Chicago could put Toews and Kane out with Keith, then follow up with Teravainen, Hossa, and Seabrook. Pittsburgh can ice any combination of Crosby, Malkin, Kessel and Bennett with Letang or Matta on D. Even terrible teams like Carolina could toss out the Staal brothers or Jeff Skinner with Justin Faulk, and I'm getting actively excited thinking about Edmonton's options with all the young talent they have out there.
Plus, 3v3 OT is basically creating an entirely new specialty position. There have always been small, fast, talented guys in the league (Pat Verbeek back in the day, Marty St. Louis and Brian Gionta more recently), but now those guys might be called in to fulfill a specific role when the game goes to extra time.
Overtime is going to be more exciting, shootout frequency is going to drop, fans are going to get fired up, and offense will increase. Wins all around, if you ask me.
Shootouts were cool for like two years, then they got boring and completely played out.
Round 1: Save/Save
Round 2: Save/Save
Round 3: Goal/Save
Game Over.
Absolute snoozefest. But anyone who has played organized hockey knows that 3v3 one-zone games and battle drills were probably the most fun part of practice, and now that's being translated to the big leagues. Coaches will be playing their best, fastest players, and defense is going to go more or less out the window.
Just imagining the matchup possibilities for each team makes a hockey fan salivate. Chicago could put Toews and Kane out with Keith, then follow up with Teravainen, Hossa, and Seabrook. Pittsburgh can ice any combination of Crosby, Malkin, Kessel and Bennett with Letang or Matta on D. Even terrible teams like Carolina could toss out the Staal brothers or Jeff Skinner with Justin Faulk, and I'm getting actively excited thinking about Edmonton's options with all the young talent they have out there.
Plus, 3v3 OT is basically creating an entirely new specialty position. There have always been small, fast, talented guys in the league (Pat Verbeek back in the day, Marty St. Louis and Brian Gionta more recently), but now those guys might be called in to fulfill a specific role when the game goes to extra time.
Overtime is going to be more exciting, shootout frequency is going to drop, fans are going to get fired up, and offense will increase. Wins all around, if you ask me.
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Labarbara Wins it for the Devils in OT
VIDEO
It's too bad this happened for the Devils in the preseason, because come opening night they're gonna need all the help they can get.
This team is terrible from top to bottom. Their forwards are either average or old, their defense is generally young and untested, and their prospect cabinet is bare. Goaltender Cory Schneider is basically going to have to carry this team if they want to finish anywhere but last in the Metropolitan division. Beating out Carolina for 7th shouldn't be tough, but this team just might find a way to shit the bed.
And poor Jason Labarbera. The guy who actually played in 3 different leagues in 3 consecutive nights last season probably deserved better to start this year, but hey, these things happen to the best of us.
It's too bad this happened for the Devils in the preseason, because come opening night they're gonna need all the help they can get.
This team is terrible from top to bottom. Their forwards are either average or old, their defense is generally young and untested, and their prospect cabinet is bare. Goaltender Cory Schneider is basically going to have to carry this team if they want to finish anywhere but last in the Metropolitan division. Beating out Carolina for 7th shouldn't be tough, but this team just might find a way to shit the bed.
And poor Jason Labarbera. The guy who actually played in 3 different leagues in 3 consecutive nights last season probably deserved better to start this year, but hey, these things happen to the best of us.
Hockey Slang Dictionary (last updated 9/30)
Apple - an assist. Hey ref, I got the apple on that one.
Bar Down - shooting the puck off the crossbar of the goal and into the net. I went backhand bar down on the breakaway. Alliteration sure is fun.
Barn Burner - an exciting, usually high scoring game. Every playoff game between the Flyers and Penguins is a barn burner.
Bender - a terrible hockey player. Derived from the bend in the ankles of players who cannot skate well. Coach put Danny on the fourth line because he's a fucking bender.
Beauty - someone who is awesome (this is a horrible definition. Poor effort on my part). That model tried to blackmail Jags and he gave zero fucks, what a fucking beauty.
Buddy - literally every male person. Hey buddy toss me another Labatt, this one's emptier than Jeremy Roenick's trophy case.
Compete Level - intangible, indescribable player trait lauded by coaches. A player's compete level can range anywhere from Zach Parise to Alex Ovechkin.
Dangles - the ability to fake a defender or goaltender out and get around them. Pavel Datsyuk still has the dirtiest dangles in the league, even though he's an absolute fossil.
Donnybrook - a brawl; sometimes refers to a single fight. And we have ourselves a donnybrook here at the Spectrum tonight as the benches clear!
Dummy - to hit a player really hard, usually leading to unconsciousness. The player getting hit looks like a crash test dummy. If that kid comes across the middle with his head down again, I'm gonna dummy him.
Duster - a player who never gets to play, he just sits on the bench gathering dust. That duster hasn't seen the ice since training camp.
Fishbowl - this type of face protection. How do you breath with your head stuck in that fishbowl bud?
Flow - great hockey hair, generally in the form of a mullet. Erik Karlsson has some of the best flow in the league.
Fossil - an extremely old player, who may or may not be washed up. Jaromir Jagr is an absolute fossil, but he's still a fuckin beauty.
Fishbowl - this type of face protection. How do you breath with your head stuck in that fishbowl bud?
Flow - great hockey hair, generally in the form of a mullet. Erik Karlsson has some of the best flow in the league.
Fossil - an extremely old player, who may or may not be washed up. Jaromir Jagr is an absolute fossil, but he's still a fuckin beauty.
Gino - a goal. Or as a verb, the act of scoring a goal (to gino). My first gino of the year went in off my shin pad. Pretty brutal.
not to be confused with:
Geno - Pittsburg Penguins center Evgeni Malkin. Morning boys. Fuck you Geno.
Grocery Stick - the guy who never sees the ice and sits between the forwards and defensemen. Jesus Christ, Sergei, stop on one fucking puck or I'll make you the damn grocery stick.
Hoser - Clark will explain.
Lumber - a hockey stick. Donnie really gave that guy the lumber on that slash.
Oliver Textman-Larsson - see Ron Textall.
Plug - another term meaning a terrible hockey player. You're a fucking plug. (I don't feel like writing a clever one. You get the idea.)
Pylon - a defenseman that has the skill level of a traffic cone; easy to skate around. I can't believe the fucking pylon Dion Phaneuf is the captain of the Maple Leafs.
Ron Textall - your buddy who is constantly texting. Play on words with former NHL goalie/current Flyers GM Ron Hextall. Jesus Ron Textall get off your phone and find a girl to wheel.
Sauce - a pass made in the air, making the puck look like a flying saucer. Our goalie's got sauce like Brodeur.
Twig - another word for hockey stick. Did you see Smitty snap his twig on that one-t? Cryin' shame.
Waffleboard - a goalie's blocker. *Doc voice* "WAFFLEBOARDED AWAY, MY GOODNESS!."
Wheeling - either a) the act of skating up with ice with the puck, looking to make a play or, b) the act of pursuing/getting with girls. Let's hit the bar tonight, I'm trying to wheel.
Square Wheels - having no luck/ability in pursuing/getting with girls. Ricky can't talk to girls for shit. Kids got the squarest wheels I've ever seen.
Square Wheels - having no luck/ability in pursuing/getting with girls. Ricky can't talk to girls for shit. Kids got the squarest wheels I've ever seen.
Jaromir Jagr, Living Legend and Hero to Men Everywhere
Fun fact, if you Google Jaromir Jagr's parents, he shows up as his own father. He is also still able to get girls less than half his age to sleep with him, probably because at 43 he still ages like fine wine. And he's not picking up just any girls either. He's snagging incredibly hot 18 year old Czech models. Models whose boyfriends are the captain of the Czech national junior whatever team, and basically idolized Jagr their entire lives. But sometimes, even if you are one of the best players to ever play hockey, you bring a bad apple home from the bar (or wherever he found her) and you get blackmailed.
This chick made one huge mistake though. She forgot that she was trying to blackmail Jaromir fucking Jagr. Lesser men like Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenneger crumbled because of the efforts of women like this, but not Jags. I can just imagine the text exchange (I'm assuming in Czech):
Her: Give me $2000 or I'm posting this pic on the internet.
Jags: Hahahahahahaha
Jags: Which one are you again?
Apparently in real life all he said was just "I don't care," which is literally the perfect response. Doesn't try to change her mind. Doesn't once think about paying her. Doesn't even acknowledge that there is a problem at all. You think if Mario Lemieux was put in this position back in the day he could have just shaken it off? Absolutely not. He'd have his checkbook out faster than you can say "premature retirement." I bet he'd even pay for her cab ride home.
Jagr has said that he thinks he can play until he's 50, and for the sake of the game I hope he actually does.
Update: The "Jagr selfie" has exploded into a meme. Absolutely incredible.
This chick made one huge mistake though. She forgot that she was trying to blackmail Jaromir fucking Jagr. Lesser men like Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenneger crumbled because of the efforts of women like this, but not Jags. I can just imagine the text exchange (I'm assuming in Czech):
Her: Give me $2000 or I'm posting this pic on the internet.
Jags: Hahahahahahaha
Jags: Which one are you again?
Apparently in real life all he said was just "I don't care," which is literally the perfect response. Doesn't try to change her mind. Doesn't once think about paying her. Doesn't even acknowledge that there is a problem at all. You think if Mario Lemieux was put in this position back in the day he could have just shaken it off? Absolutely not. He'd have his checkbook out faster than you can say "premature retirement." I bet he'd even pay for her cab ride home.
Jagr has said that he thinks he can play until he's 50, and for the sake of the game I hope he actually does.
Update: The "Jagr selfie" has exploded into a meme. Absolutely incredible.
David Booth Getting Cut in Preseason is a Damn Shame
(Daily Slapshot) ---
When the Florida Panthers extended an invite to veteran David Booth tojoin training camp on a professional tryout contract, it seemed like one of the most likely PTO’s to turn into an actual NHL deal.
Drafted 53rd overall by the Panthers themselves at the 2004 NHL Entry Draft, Booth came on board as a returning fan favorite. The now-30 year old left wing from Detroit, Michigan had spent five full seasons with the Panthers to start off his pro hockey career, only leaving the team in the 2011-2012 season when he was sent to the Vancouver Canucks as a part of the trade for Marco Sturm.
In the time since, Booth has struggled to regain a reputation as the top six scorer he was when he was first on the Panthers. Once a 20-30 goal scorer in multiple seasons, Booth became known for injuries (particularly concussions, which the forward has now suffered on more than one occasion) and a lack of his original offensive prowess; by the 2014-2015 season, he was inked to a cheap one year deal with the Toronto Maple Leafs that he didn’t manage to ink an extension for at the end of the year.
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I met David Booth during spring break my senior year of college. My Spring Break '15 Hockey Fan Trip-of-a-Lifetime is a story in itself, but I'll stick to just the Toronto leg for now. My two buddies and I (the two guys on the trip with me) were pretty close with David Booth's sister in college, so she set it up so that after the game we were going to in Toronto we could meet her brother, and also her mom.
Full disclosure, I had several too many Molson Canadians before said game.
We stumbled into the Air Canada Center, where I bought a Dion Phaneuf jersey on sale because I thought it would be funny and because "he's a pylon." There was a ceremony for some journeyman defender's 1000th game, I forget who. And the Maple Leafs lost to Minnesota. So all in all, great day already.
We went down to the concourse after the buzzer and met Mrs. Booth, who was really nice, and she took us down to where the families and friends meet the players after the game. (It was in this room where I saw the hottest perfect 10 girl I have ever seen in person. She turned out to be Richard Panik's model girlfriend...tall, blonde, Russian...but I digress.) David Booth got down there eventually, we chatted, he told us where to go get drinks after the game, we got a picture. In general a really cool guy.
That's why this story about him getting cut kind of sucks for me personally. Like 10 other people got cut on the same day, and I was just like, "Oh", and didn't think twice. But I met this guy one time and I'm sitting here trying to figure out where else he could go play this season, hoping someone picks him up. But hockey is a business, after all, and perfectly good players sometimes can't find a roster spot.
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