Labarbara Wins it for the Devils in OT

VIDEO

It's too bad this happened for the Devils in the preseason, because come opening night they're gonna need all the help they can get.

This team is terrible from top to bottom. Their forwards are either average or old, their defense is generally young and untested, and their prospect cabinet is bare. Goaltender Cory Schneider is basically going to have to carry this team if they want to finish anywhere but last in the Metropolitan division. Beating out Carolina for 7th shouldn't be tough, but this team just might find a way to shit the bed.

And poor Jason Labarbera. The guy who actually played in 3 different leagues in 3 consecutive nights last season probably deserved better to start this year, but hey, these things happen to the best of us.

Hockey Slang Dictionary (last updated 9/30)

Apple - an assist. Hey ref, I got the apple on that one.

Bar Down - shooting the puck off the crossbar of the goal and into the net. I went backhand bar down on the breakaway. Alliteration sure is fun.

Barn Burner - an exciting, usually high scoring game. Every playoff game between the Flyers and Penguins is a barn burner.

Bender - a terrible hockey player. Derived from the bend in the ankles of players who cannot skate well. Coach put Danny on the fourth line because he's a fucking bender.

Beauty - someone who is awesome (this is a horrible definition. Poor effort on my part). That model tried to blackmail Jags and he gave zero fucks, what a fucking beauty. 

Buddy - literally every male person.  Hey buddy toss me another Labatt, this one's emptier than Jeremy Roenick's trophy case.

Compete Level - intangible, indescribable player trait lauded by coaches. A player's compete level can range anywhere from Zach Parise to Alex Ovechkin.

Dangles - the ability to fake a defender or goaltender out and get around them. Pavel Datsyuk still has the dirtiest dangles in the league, even though he's an absolute fossil.


Donnybrook - a brawl; sometimes refers to a single fight. And we have ourselves a donnybrook here at the Spectrum tonight as the benches clear!


Dummy - to hit a player really hard, usually leading to unconsciousness. The player getting hit looks like a crash test dummy. If that kid comes across the middle with his head down again, I'm gonna dummy him. 

Duster - a player who never gets to play, he just sits on the bench gathering dust. That duster hasn't seen the ice since training camp. 

Fishbowl - this type of face protection. How do you breath with your head stuck in that fishbowl bud?

Flow - great hockey hair, generally in the form of a mullet. Erik Karlsson has some of the best flow in the league. 

Fossil - an extremely old player, who may or may not be washed up. Jaromir Jagr is an absolute fossil, but he's still a fuckin beauty. 

Gino - a goal. Or as a verb, the act of scoring a goal (to gino). My first gino of the year went in off my shin pad. Pretty brutal.

not to be confused with:

Geno - Pittsburg Penguins center Evgeni Malkin. Morning boys. Fuck you Geno.

Grocery Stick - the guy who never sees the ice and sits between the forwards and defensemen. Jesus Christ, Sergei, stop on one fucking puck or I'll make you the damn grocery stick. 

Hoser - Clark will explain.

Lumber - a hockey stick. Donnie really gave that guy the lumber on that slash.

Oliver Textman-Larsson - see Ron Textall.

Plug - another term meaning a terrible hockey player. You're a fucking plug. (I don't feel like writing a clever one. You get the idea.)

Pylon - a defenseman that has the skill level of a traffic cone; easy to skate around. I can't believe the fucking pylon Dion Phaneuf is the captain of the Maple Leafs.

Ron Textall - your buddy who is constantly texting. Play on words with former NHL goalie/current Flyers GM Ron Hextall. Jesus Ron Textall get off your phone and find a girl to wheel.

Sauce - a pass made in the air, making the puck look like a flying saucer. Our goalie's got sauce like Brodeur.

Twig - another word for hockey stick. Did you see Smitty snap his twig on that one-t? Cryin' shame.

Waffleboard - a goalie's blocker. *Doc voice* "WAFFLEBOARDED AWAY, MY GOODNESS!."

Walk - to get around a defender with a sick dangle. Nathan MacKinnon absolutely walked that guy.

Wheeling - either a) the act of skating up with ice with the puck, looking to make a play or, b) the act of pursuing/getting with girls. Let's hit the bar tonight, I'm trying to wheel. 
         
               Square Wheels - having no luck/ability in pursuing/getting with girls. Ricky can't talk to                     girls for shit. Kids got the squarest wheels I've ever seen.

Jaromir Jagr, Living Legend and Hero to Men Everywhere

Fun fact, if you Google Jaromir Jagr's parents, he shows up as his own father. He is also still able to get girls less than half his age to sleep with him, probably because at 43 he still ages like fine wine. And he's not picking up just any girls either. He's snagging incredibly hot 18 year old Czech models. Models whose boyfriends are the captain of the Czech national junior whatever team, and basically idolized Jagr their entire lives. But sometimes, even if you are one of the best players to ever play hockey, you bring a bad apple home from the bar (or wherever he found her) and you get blackmailed.

This chick made one huge mistake though. She forgot that she was trying to blackmail Jaromir fucking Jagr. Lesser men like Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenneger crumbled because of the efforts of women like this, but not Jags. I can just imagine the text exchange (I'm assuming in Czech):

Her: Give me $2000 or I'm posting this pic on the internet.

Jags: Hahahahahahaha 

Jags: Which one are you again?

Apparently in real life all he said was just "I don't care," which is literally the perfect response. Doesn't try to change her mind. Doesn't once think about paying her. Doesn't even acknowledge that there is a problem at all. You think if Mario Lemieux was put in this position back in the day he could have just shaken it off? Absolutely not. He'd have his checkbook out faster than you can say "premature retirement." I bet he'd even pay for her cab ride home.

Jagr has said that he thinks he can play until he's 50, and for the sake of the game I hope he actually does.

Update: The "Jagr selfie" has exploded into a meme. Absolutely incredible.

David Booth Getting Cut in Preseason is a Damn Shame

(Daily Slapshot) --- 

When the Florida Panthers extended an invite to veteran David Booth tojoin training camp on a professional tryout contract, it seemed like one of the most likely PTO’s to turn into an actual NHL deal.

Drafted 53rd overall by the Panthers themselves at the 2004 NHL Entry Draft, Booth came on board as a returning fan favorite. The now-30 year old left wing from Detroit, Michigan had spent five full seasons with the Panthers to start off his pro hockey career, only leaving the team in the 2011-2012 season when he was sent to the Vancouver Canucks as a part of the trade for Marco Sturm.

In the time since, Booth has struggled to regain a reputation as the top six scorer he was when he was first on the Panthers. Once a 20-30 goal scorer in multiple seasons, Booth became known for injuries (particularly concussions, which the forward has now suffered on more than one occasion) and a lack of his original offensive prowess; by the 2014-2015 season, he was inked to a cheap one year deal with the Toronto Maple Leafs that he didn’t manage to ink an extension for at the end of the year.

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I met David Booth during spring break my senior year of college. My Spring Break '15 Hockey Fan Trip-of-a-Lifetime is a story in itself, but I'll stick to just the Toronto leg for now. My two buddies and I (the two guys on the trip with me) were pretty close with David Booth's sister in college, so she set it up so that after the game we were going to in Toronto we could meet her brother, and also her mom. 

Full disclosure, I had several too many Molson Canadians before said game. 

We stumbled into the Air Canada Center, where I bought a Dion Phaneuf jersey on sale because I thought it would be funny and because "he's a pylon." There was a ceremony for some journeyman defender's 1000th game, I forget who. And the Maple Leafs lost to Minnesota. So all in all, great day already. 

We went down to the concourse after the buzzer and met Mrs. Booth, who was really nice, and she took us down to where the families and friends meet the players after the game. (It was in this room where I saw the hottest perfect 10 girl I have ever seen in person. She turned out to be Richard Panik's model girlfriend...tall, blonde, Russian...but I digress.) David Booth got down there eventually, we chatted, he told us where to go get drinks after the game, we got a picture. In general a really cool guy. 

That's why this story about him getting cut kind of sucks for me personally. Like 10 other people got cut on the same day, and I was just like, "Oh", and didn't think twice. But I met this guy one time and I'm sitting here trying to figure out where else he could go play this season, hoping someone picks him up. But hockey is a business, after all, and perfectly good players sometimes can't find a roster spot. 

What's Up with All the Off-Ice Incidents in 2015?

Pro hockey guys, as a rule, are considered some of the most down-to-earth athletes around. Especially when you compare them to a sport like NFL football, where it seems like some linebacker or wide receiver is getting arrested every other day. This offseason, however, has been a little out of the ordinary, and a lot of hockey guys have been in the news for all the wrong reasons.

The Los Angeles Kings, unfortunately for them, have gotten into the most trouble.

The Slava Voynov saga began last October, when the Russian defender dropped the gloves with his wife, and ended this summer with his voluntary return back to his home country.

Early this summer, fellow King Jarret Stoll decided he was tired of his fiancé getting all the TV airtime and got himself on the news with some sort of white-powdery-drug arrest while on vacation. (Also, love how he's just referred to as "Erin Andrews' beau" in the headline of the last link.)

Not to be outdone, the underperforming disappointment that is Kings center Mike Richards got caught at the US-Canadian border with a bunch of OxyContin, a painkiller that it seems he doesn’t have a prescription for.

None of the three guys mentioned above are with the team anymore. Voynov preemptively left the country (ahead of almost certain deportation), Stoll signed with the New York Rangers as a free agent, and Richards’ contract was terminated by the Kings (the NHLPA is investigating the circumstances, and frankly I think they have a great case…but I digress). I don’t now if it’s just the Hollywood culture or what, but head coach Darryl Sutter needs to get his locker room in order quick, before they suffer another embarrassing season and miss the playoffs for the second straight year.

But the off-ice incidents don’t stop in LA. Predators forward Mike Ribeiro settled a lawsuit from his kids’ former nanny, who said he assaulted her, and was rewarded with a 2 year/$7-million extension in Nashville. If the details from the court documents are true, Ribeiro is one sick dude.

Newly acquired Sabre Ryan O’Reilly celebrated his new 7-year contract by getting housed and driving his new truck into a Tim Horton’s. Not only was he a danger to himself and those around him, he desecrated a cherished Canadian icon in the process.

And let’s not leave out the clusterfuck of accusations that is the Patrick Kane rape investigation. Between the victim bashing, the public judgments and the elaborate hoax concocted by the victim’s mother, the media has correctly labeled the proceedings a “circus.” Kane has still not been charged and remains with the Blackhawks, and the fact of the matter is nobody knows what actually happened yet. Whether he is guilty or innocent, the unwanted attention can’t be good for Kane or his teammates in the locker room going into their title defense.

I have no idea what's going on with these guys, but hopefully the epidemic of off-ice incidents doesn't spread any more.

Why the Predators Won't be Winning The Cup Anytime Soon

Don't get me wrong, I think a championship in Nashville would be an unreal experience. A parade down lower Broadway to the riverfront and a rally right outside the honkytonks would actually be the most appropriate hometown party in Stanley Cup history. Like if a hypothetical team in Las Vegas won and rolled down the Strip, then stopped at the Lux and lost their playoff bonuses. I just don't see a Nashville parade as an impending certainty.

Living in Nashville for the last eight years, I follow the Predators as my hometown team (although my true loyalties will always lie elsewhere). And even though they need to include the basic rules of hockey in their game programs, Preds fans are loyal, passionate, and they actually show up---unlike other southern fan bases. What they lack in knowledge (I've explained icing to more local strangers than I would like to admit) they make up for in excitement, and they had a lot to be excited about in 2014-15. The Predators somehow spent most of the year at or near the top of the league standings, and finished second in the uber-competetive Central division. But like every other year, a promising team shat the bed in the playoffs, not making it out of the first round. If the Predators ever want to actually compete for a Stanley Cup and really give their fans something to cheer about, a couple things need to happen.

Get a Big Name Center

The Preds have never had the one piece that sets good teams apart from contenders: an all-star-caliber, game-breaking center. Crosby (and Malkin), Toews, Kopitar, Bergeron, all these guys are the the best players on their teams and double as leaders off the ice. They turn it up in the playoffs, score the big goals, and end up lifting the Cup come June. A team like the Predators, with incredibly average centers like Mike Ribeiro, Mike Fisher, and Paul Gaustad, are missing that key piece that would rank them with the NHL's elite. 

The worst part is, I have no idea where they could legitimately find one. The upcoming free agent class is stocked with possible big name centers like Steven Stamkos and Anze Kopitar, but a second-tier guy refusing to come to Nashville is not a good sign if they look to pursue a real superstar. The Hockey News named Eric Staal as a possible candidate on the Pred's radar, but this isn't 2008 and Staal hasn't broken the 70 point mark in four years. Unless they want to give up one of the young stud defensemen they've been stockpiling in some sort of package deal for a bona fide star, the Pred's trade prospect are looking pretty grim too. Maybe GM Dave Poile should have used some of his draft picks on a center or two instead of shipping them at the deadline for role players. 

Sidebar: Dave Poile hasn’t always made the best decisions (like trading away first round picks at the deadline every other year), but sending Martin Erat and prospect Michael Latta to Washington for Filip Forsberg may go down as the biggest steal in Preds history. Erat played one year in Washington and just signed with some KHL team, and Latta put up a whopping 6 points in 53 games last season. Highway robbery.

Young D Needs to Keep On Improving

The brightest part of the Predator's future is on defense, where they have been developing some of the best young defenders in the game. Seth Jones is looking more and more like the #4 pick from 2013 should, Roman Josi had a fantastic 2014-15 campaign, and Ryan Ellis and Mattias Ekholm improved by leaps and bounds throughout last season. With captain/all-star/human-cannon Shea Weber and newly acquired vet Barrett Jackman mentoring them (not to mention Hall of Famer Phil Housley on the coaching staff), these young guns should continue to grow into the stars they are projected to become. If they do, the back end in Nashville may be solid for years to come.

Another Sidebar: The Jackman signing is super underrated. He's already gelling with Seth Jones, and mentoring him in the process. And people forget that Jackman won the Calder trophy his rookie year, and he's been a steady workhorse on the St. Louis blue line ever since. 

Questions Marks Need to Become Exclamation Points

Poile took a low-risk chance by signing Mike Ribeiro for 1 year at ~$1-million before last season, and he came out looking like a genius. Despite settling with his children's nanny over an alleged assault, Ribeiro turned his career around in the past year, gelling with the newly acquired James Neal and rookie phenom Filip Forsberg to form one of the most lethal scoring lines in hockey. He even managed to avoid any sort of career threatening injuries this season. This year, Poile again took the low risk/high reward route by signing Cody Hodgson to a 1 year/$1-million dollar contract. Joining the third team of his young career, and assuming he doesn't pull a Ribeiro with one of the ice girls, Hodgson just might be the next guy to turn it around after coming to Nashville. 

I'm also excited to see what Steve Moses is all about. The former University of New Hampshire standout has played his last three seasons as a pro in the frozen wastelands of the Kontinental Hockey League, setting that league's single-season goal scoring record with a whopping 36 tallies in 60 games. Poile somehow managed to convince him to return to the Land of the Free, where he will make $1-million this year and hopefully provide an extra spark of offense. (Also, Dave, if you're reading this, I'd love to be your next low-risk $1-million dollar gamble).

Update: Moses was sent down to Milwaukee of the AHL towards the end of the preseason. Coach Laviolette thinks he could use more time to readjust to the North American rink (which is smaller than the European). I'm sure he will get opportunities with the big team early and often, especially if they run into injury trouble.

To Summarize

The Predators are not a great team on paper...yet. They do have all-world goalie Pekka Rinne backstopping them (when he's not hurt), and they have an all-star defenseman/captain in Shea Weber. But the rest of the defense is not elite just yet, and the forwards (besides Forsberg and a healthy James Neal) are average at best. But the future is looking up, and adding a couple more pieces could finally propel Nashville into the top tier of the NHL.

Sidebar, part III: I know this will never ever happen, but I would love to see some fourth-line fossil like Eric Nystrom just space out for a few months and rip like 35 goals, then go back to being a scrub. Like if Charlie Whitehurst came back and suddenly threw for like 4000 yards one year then went back to savingus from eternal damnation.

And if any Preds fans are still unsure, this might help you out.